Maybe it's that last weekend consisted of the best two days so far. Maybe it's that I've been here for a nearly two weeks. Maybe it's because I'm getting to know the people here a bit better. But I'm starting to feel more at home.
I'm not hovering awkwardly around as much. And I've started talking more. Started correcting myself more. Attempting more difficult sentences. Thinking more about what I'm saying, instead of blurting clumsy words.
Yesterday, my professor bought pastries for the class at the Thursday market. It took a few moments for me to put to and to together, and realize that market day meant that it was Thursday--But wait, it was Thursday only, like, two days ago!
I felt a rather unpleasant shock when I realized that yet another week had passed by without my noticing it.
It's been two weeks. Things are picking up, and I can feel myself settling into a schedule. But a slightly alarmed feeling keeps creeping up on me. Sometimes, I can feel my time here slipping through my fingers. And I panic, because I still have so much more to learn. Still have so many places to explore, and people to meet, and brave things to do. And I keep getting worried that I won't have enough time here.
So far there are only two methods that I've found to quell this panic: to pull out my worksheets and drill myself in the subjunctive, or to remind myself that this is still only the beginning--the beginning of my study of Spanish, the beginning of my time in Spain, the beginning of my year. And I keep forgetting that during this year--this year that I put together myself, that I've dreamed of for a long time--during this year, it's okay to fail, it's okay for things to go not-as-planned, it's okay for things to go unfinished and unpolished.
It's about putting my foot in my mouth today, so tomorrow I'll get the phrase right. It's about doing things and experiencing things.
It is enough that I am here.
Lovely, Paige.
ReplyDeleteKaren