The Orphanage, part 1

Handing two final plastic shopping bags filled with fruit out of the back of the Sung Tao, I crouched, preparing to step down onto the ground. My legs unbent stiffly. My head was woozy. I'd gone into full survival mode for the last hour of the two hour care ride. Eyes closed, tightly griping the bar running along the rood of the cap, like I might in a metro car, I had done my best to convince myself that I as anywhere in the world but sitting in the back of a sung tao speedily lurching and jerking its way through high mountain roads.

But we'd arrived in one piece. Blinking, I pulled my pack onto my back, already feeling the oncoming heat of the day. I shyly looked around. Shyly because I was tired and disengaged from the world after the long trip. Shyly because I always feel like an intruder in a new place. Shyly because I didn't know what to expect here. Shyly because I could see some of what i guessed would be the orphans around. Do I smile? Wai? how do I greet them? Me, a westerner come to volunteer at this orphanage for a few days. What do they expect? I can't speak Thai. Do they have much English?

I settled on smiling, my hands were full with bags, so I couldn't do much of a wai. And they didn't wai either, so I guess it was okay.

One of us girls at the orphanage led us girls to where we would be sleeping in the girls dormitory. Shyly, I thanked her for bringing us there and set my stuff down. Like usual, I didn't know what to do in the new space. I felt adrift. I felt like an intruder.

But why?

Why, whenever I've gotten to a new place here have I felt so very out of place, so very uncomfortable? Why is it so scary for me to look my new hosts in the eye and greet them with a big smile and a "Thank you for welcoming us!"

Is it because of the cultural differences? Can I excuse myself because I still am not confident in knowing how to introduce myself, greet someone? Is it because I am constantly reminded of my own otherness? Here I am not just a privileged minority, here I am a privileged foreigner, ignorant of local customs and history, forgetful of faces and names. I am always conscious that I might be being unintentionally rude.

It's all of that that makes me shy.

Yet, I don't need to be shy around people. If there is one thing I've figured out this year is that regardless of the language you grew up speaking, or the location on the globe you call home, we're all human, we all respond to a smile, so friendly open attitudes.

But I'm still working on accepting the discomfort, the lack of knowing. I'm working on not letting that keep me from learning about the people I meet and the places I go. i'm moving towards letting people and experience in with open arm and earnestness.